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Transcript for Epsiode 202 : "Holy Crap"
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Transcript typed out by Stephen
Date : October,1,1999

*Please do not use this transcript on your website without permission and credit to me.
You may correct any errors if you wish to improve it and state the improvements
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"Family Guy" is TM and © by 20th Century FOX and all its affiliates.
Any reproduction, distribution, or sale of this material is strictly prohibited.
This transcript and it's author do not work for 20th Century Fox or affiliates with 20th Century FOX.
"Family Guy" was created by Seth Macfarlane.
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Voice Cast: 
Seth MacFarlane as Peter, Stewie, Brian, Announcer, Captain, Doctor, Isaac, Mill Owner, Pewterschmidt, Priest, Race Judge and Tom;
Alex Borstein as Lois Griffin, Laura and Mrs. Lipstein; 
Seth Green as Chris and Rowdy Fan. 

Guest Voice Cast: 
Colm Meaney as Francis;
Lori Alan as Diane; 
Carlos Alazraqui as Mr. Weed, Gnome #1 and Road Manager; 
Danny Smith as Zeke the Moody Drifter Doll. 
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*Theme Song
Lois : "It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies, and sex on T.V.," 
Peter : "But where are those good o' fashion values," 
Family : "On which we use to rely" 
Family : "Wealthy there's a family guy" 
Family : "Wealthy there's a man who, positivly can do, all those things to make us" 
Stewie : "Laugh and Cry! " 
Family : "He's, A, Family, Guuuuuuuuuuuy!" 
*End of Theme Song

<---- Act 1---->


puritan
baptist
<---- Scene 1 : Family watching Tv---->

<-*-Tv-*->

Doctor : "Christina, I have bad news, the tumour is terimal, I'm afraid you only have 6months to live"

Christina : "Oh my God!"

Announcer : "Got Milk?"

<-*-End of Tv-*->

[Peter turns off the Tv]

Peter : "Hey hey, listen up people, your grand pa griffin is finally retiring."

Meg : "Grand Pa Griffin?"

Chris : "Is he that guy who smells like firewood and has those great big pussiwillos in his ears?"

Lois : "Chris, that's a terrible word."

Peter : "My dad worked at that mill for 60years, that's almost 80years. Tomorrow night they're throwning a big dinner and we'll be there to honour him."

Meg : "Why? we barley know him."

Chris : "yea, how come he never visits us?"

Lois : "Well kids, your grand pa has never been comfrontable with the fact I'm not catholic."

<---Flash Back : Lois+Peter's Wedding--->

[Peter and Lois come out to their car seeing a sign "Just Married". Below there was another sign "To a protestant whore"]

<---End of Flash Back--->

Peter : "Hey, Hey, dad loves us all, he's just to busy working to show it, it's been like that way ever sinmce I was a kid."

<---Flash Back : Father - Son Picnic --->

Announcer : "And now the winners of the father and son 3 legged race. 1st place : Bob Hamilton and his Dad, 2nd place Jim Larson and his Dad and 3rd place : Peter Griffin and a stalk of corn."

<---End of Flash back--->

Peter : "And now he's retiring , me and him can finally spend some time together. I want us to have one of those father and son moments, like on tv, you know when they hug and the music goes lala la..."

[Band plays *La la la*]

Peter : "Thanks boys, just like that."

Brian : "Hey, can you guys do that flotter thing like when the brady bunch kids come down the stairs?"

<----Scene 2 : Quahog Mariners Banquet Halls "Now Free of that urine smell"---->

[Grand Pa slurps his soup]

Meg : "Mom, I can't eat, I'm too grossed out by Grand Pa's ears."

Chris : "I know , their lik a big gray enchanted forest."

Lois : "Kids, your Grand Father's eats are not gross and they are certainly not an enchanted forest."

<----Quick Scene : Grand Pa's Ears---->

[Two Gnomes appears]

Gnome#1 : "Let us run to the meadow and dance"

Gnome#2 : "You first, I'm self-conscious"

<---End of Quick Scene---->

Mill Owner : *Party blower* "But seriously, tonight we here at Partucket Mill, celebrate the career of our oldest and most deicated employee, Francais Griffin, Francais."

(Francais)Grand Pa : "At last this morning, it occurred to me that I may never see your faces again. I just wanna say, Jesus loves ya. But in my eyes, your a bunch of siners and slackers who forced a hard working old man to retire. so you can take this shiny watch and shove it!"

Stewie : "I Adore this man!"

<----Scene 3 : Driving home in the car---->

Peter : "That was some speech dad."

Lois : "Yes, it was a shame Grand Ma wasn't there to hear it."

Grand Pa : "Bless her heart, she on one of her prandas in Los Vegas."

<---Quick Scene : Los Vegas Casino--->

Grand Ma : "Hit me you 5card stud! *cough* *cough* *cough*"

<---End of Quick Scene--->

Grand Pa : "Aye, she's a rose, it's a pitty you couldn't find a nice Irish catholic girl Peter."

Lois : "Francais, this must be embrassing for you, I'm in the car."

Peter : "Dad, now your retired your coming to stay with us, no more excuses, I'm putting my foot down. "

[Peter Steps on the brakes, brian flys and hits the front ]

Peter : "brian, buckle up, what do you say dad?"

Grand Pa : "I don't want to be a bother."

Peter : "It's no bother is it lois?"

Lois : "Of course not, it will be fun."

Grand Pa : "Your a good women lois, perhaps you won't burn in hell after all maybe you'll go to purgatory with all the un-baptized babies"

Peter : "There you go lois, you love babies."

<----Scene 3 : outside Stewie's Room--->

Peter : "heh, look at that lois, Dad's reading stewie to sleep, just like he never for to me." 

[Grand Pa reads the Bible to Stewie]

Grand Pa : "So God cast the pegans sinners into the firey bows of hell where their flest burned in agony forever and ever, The End"

[Grand Pa puts stewie into his crib]

Grand Pa : "Ahh childern love a good bed time story from the bible."

Brian : "Yes, charming, Like when God told Abraham to kill Issac."

<---Quick Scene : Love boat : The Bar---->

Issac : "Hey!"

[Abraham Lincoln shots Issac]

<---End of Quick Scene--->

<--- Scene 3 : Kitchen Back Door : Morning --->

[Peter brusts in to pull out the chair for grand pa]

Lois : "*Yawn* That was a lovely service Francais"

Meg : "Super...and only 3hours til school." 

Chris : "I didn't even know there was a 5am Mass...I didn't know there was a 5am...what else haven't you told me?"

Stewie : "I whether like this God fell, he's very theatrcial you know...a little pestellience here , plague there , magnificent,gotta get me some of that hmm?"

Peter : "Yea...yes..we all enjoy the bible in the house"

Grand Pa : "really? what's your favorite book in the bible?"

Peter : "uhhh ummm The one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital."

<---- Scene 4 : Outside of the bath room ---->

[Grand Pa knocks on the door]

Grand Pa : "Open this door!!...open I say!!"

Chris : "Sorry Grand Pa, you might wanna give that a minute or two "

Grand Pa : "I know what your doing in there, and it's a sin...if you do it again ,your burn in hell."

Chris : "But I do it everyday.... and sometimes twice."

Grand Pa : "Mark my words lad , you may think your alone in but god's watching, don't do it again."

[Grand Pa walks away]

Chris : "God's watching me do number 2? oh man I'm a sinner and God's a pervert."

<---- Scene 5 : Back Boor house Enterance---->

[Meg walks in from school]

Grand Pa : "Maggot!"

Meg : "Ahhhh!"

Grand Pa : "How was school?"

Meg : "good...kevin walked me home"

Grand Pa : "Kevin?"

Meg : "He lives nextdoor" 

Grand Pa : "He lives next door...to a harlack!"

Meg : "Grand Pa, We were just holding hands"

Grand Pa : "We it be easier to take your hand when God stikes your simple heart with lepardicary. He can take it right home with him Ahhh...it's great to see you kids again."

[Grand Pa kisses meg and walks away] 

<----Scene 6 : Brian and Lois are watching the Dick Van Dyke show ---->

[Grand Pa walks by and changes the channel]

Lois : "Francais! we were watching that"

Grand Pa : "Well I'll tell you how it ends, Lori burns the roast and God kills her for parading around in her pants."

<----Scene 7 : Baseball Game---->

Peter : "Not a bad way to kick off your retire eh dad? hehe ...uhhh the magic of baseball has brough Fathers and sons together for millions of years."

Grand Pa : "Eh...."

Peter : "Look, Stewie's having fun."

Stewie : "Why does that man drop has club before running around ? I would bring it with me!"

Peter : "Who wants ben way frank? nothing says please talk to me daddy like a ben way frank! "

Chris : "Is there a bathroom here? I don't think I can wait anymore"

Grand Pa : "In a pubulic restroom lad? for the good of your soul, show some restain"

Peter : "Hey Hot Dog Guy!"

Grand Pa : "I'll get him."

Peter : "Oh no no,Dad  they bring them to you."

Grand Pa : "oh la dee da! I don't need my food brought to me, I'm not a broken down old maul, I can still work, I can still take orders "

[Grand Pa Leaves]

[Peter points at the big screen. The big screen says "--Dad I love you--- Peter"]

Peter : "Oh wait look hey hey dad you gotta look hey dad ahh crap...that was money well spent."

<----Scene 8 : Griffins Home---->

Lois : "So he left without saying anything? where where would he go?"

Peter : "I don't know...I just asked him to buy some Peanuts and Cracker Jacks "

Brian : "I don't care if he ever get back, I wasn't being cute, I really hope he's dead"

<-*-Tv-*->

Diana : "Well Tom, Boston is exaiming it's conscious tonight in preperation for a visit from the Pope."

Tom : "I'll Tell you what's else being exaimed......this cock."

[Tom picks up a Rooster]

Tom : "Yes the Rhode Island Cock Society will be sponsering 3 checkups for this year's cock awareness. I don't know why they went with cock when they come have easily gone with rooster."

<-*-End Tv-*->

Peter : "I'm telling you something must have happended to him, he's probably hurt or lost or shanghai by pirates, that renaedge pirate ship, Captained by the ruthless pegged leg Swanton!"

[Phone Rings, Brian goes to get it]

Lois : "Peter calm down, it's his first night of his retirement, he's probably out enjoying himself."

Brian : "He's in Jail."

<----Scene 9 : Quahog Police Station ---->

Peter : "Dad!, my God are you ok?"

Grand Pa : "Don't be using the Lord's name invain!"

[Grand Pa slaps Peter]

Officer : "It seems he broke into the old mill after hours, we found him working at the kick press."

Peter : "You left the ball game with me to work in a mill?"

Grand Pa : "Yes, I wanna work, I want my job back!"

Peter : "But Dad, your retired."

Grand Pa : "I rather be dead!"

<---- VCR starts to eat my tape ---->

I'm very sorry that the rest of the transcript could not be complete because my VCR has eaten my tape of Family Guy Episodes.
If you wist to finish this transcript because you can, go right ahead.
I'm promising to you now I'll get transcript of Episode #3 of Season Two done quick as possible inless Family Guy is being cancelled now.
I'm sorry again for the inconvience.

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