At home, the Griffins watch an episode of “The Brady Bunch” Jan: Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg’s jacket. Mike: Greg, were you smoking cigarettes? Greg: No Dad. Mike: Well, he’s lying. There’s no doubt about that. Greg I’m afraid your punishment will be four hours in the snake pit. [He presses a button which opens a panel on the floor] Maybe that’ll give you some time to think about what you’ve done. Greg: Oh man! [jumps in] Jan: That’ll teach him. Mike: And Jan, I’m afraid you’ve earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on you brother. [presses another button to open chamber door. Lois: Uh, smoking, how does a boy like that go so wrong? Peter: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood. Brain: The Bradys? Peter: Oh, hell yeah, they got robbers, thugs, drug dealers, you name it. Aunt Jemimah pops up in the window with a plate of pancakes. Aunt Jemimah: You folks want some pancakes? Peter: No thank you. See that’s the worse we got is Jemimah’s Witnesses. The Opening Music Begins. Lois is playing the Piano. Lois: It seems today, that all ya see, is violence in movies and sex on TV. Peter: But where are those good old fashioned values? All: On which we used to rely. Everyone is singing and dancing in an elaborate musical number dressed appropriately. All: Wealthy is a family guy. Wealthy is a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us- Stewie: Live and cry All: He’s- a - fam-ly guuuuuuy! Later that evening, Lois, Chris, Meg, and Stewie are in the kitchen. Stewie is working on an invention. Meg: Mom, my lips are too thin, can I please get collagen injections? Lois: Meg, you don’t need to change the way you look. You know most of the world’s problems stem from poor self image. Cut to a scene at Das Gym. A scrawny Adolph Hitler does some curls. He notices two attractive women around the arms of an orthodox Jewish man- the three of them laughing. Hitler growls with envy. Back in the present: Stewie: Excellent! The mind control device is near in completion. Lois: Stewie, I said no toys at the table. Stewie: Damn you vile woman! You’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb. Lois: Oh, don’t pout honey. You know when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he’d ever seen. Stewie: But of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian Bastille. Return the device woman! Lois: No toys Stewie. Stewie: Very well then. Mark my words. When you least expect it, your uppance will come. Meg: Mom, can I turn the heat up? Lois: Oh, don’t touch the thermostat Meg, your father gets upset. Meg: Come on, this thing goes up to ninety. She starts to turn the dial and Peter busts in. Peter: Who touched the thermostat? Meg: Gaa- how does he always know? Peter: Brain implant Meg. Every father’s got one. Tells when their children are messing with the dial. A neighbor busts in. Neighbor: Hey Peter, my thing went off, your thermostat okay? Peter: Yeah, it’s all right. Other Neighbor: Hey is my kid over here? Neighbor: Forget it, false alarm! Brian: Woah- ass ahoy. Hey, uh, Peter, it’s seven o’clock and you’ve still got your pants on. What’s the occasion? Lois: He’s going to a stag party. Peter: Now Lois I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house, and as the man I order you to give me permission to go to this party. Lois: Look, at least promise me you won’t drink. Alcohol always leads to trouble. Peter: Come on, you’re worrying about nothing. Lois: Oh yeah, well remember that time at the ice cream store? Cut to a scene at the ice cream parlor. Peter: Huh, butter rum’s my favorite. [takes a lick and falls face first down on the table] Back in the present- Brian: And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see “Philadelphia”. At the movies, everyone is moved but Peter. Peter: I got it. That’s the guy from “Big”. Tom Hanks, that’s it, uh, funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. Tom Hanks: I have AIDS. Peter laughs. Back in the present- Lois: Promise me Peter. Peter: Lois, Honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. At the party- Glen: Hey, who wants to play “Drink the Beer”? Peter: Right here! Glen: Heh, you win! Peter: All right, what do I win? Glen: Another beer! Peter: Oh, I’m going for the high score. Glen: Well, actually Charlie has the high score. Charlie: [with his pants down facing the inside of a grandfather clock] Hey man, your clock won’t flush. Peter: Heh, you know I feel kind of bad you guys. I promised my wife I wouldn’t drink. Glen: Oh, don’t feel bad Peter. Peter: Hey, gee, I never thought of it like that. Guy: Hey did you bring the porno? Peter: Did I bring the porno, uh? You’re gonna love it, it’s a classic. Peter’s copy of Assablanca is played for the party guests. The two actors are outside a plane. Boagart: Listen to me Elsa. If I take this thing out and you’re not on it, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but soon and for the rest of your life. Peter: Oh come on Elsa, get on. Elsa takes off her jacket and is only in her underwear. He begins to take off her bra but the screen goes to snow, and a picture of the Statue of Liberty appears. Narrator: The statue was originally a gift from France. Charlie: What is this? Peter: Oh man, my kid must of taped over this for history class. Everyone groans. Guy: The Statue of Liberty, what are we gonna do? Peter: Boys, boys, we’re gonna drink till she’s hot. Glen: Hey that’s just crazy enough to work. They all drink in unison. The next day at breakfast Lois pours some coffee. Peter is laid out across the table. Lois: Meg, finish your pancakes. Chris, elbows off your father. Peter: Thanks son. Lois: Thirty-seven beers. Well you’re setting a great example for the kids Peter. Chris: Yeah, a new family record. Way to raise the bar Dad. Lois: Chris, you’re thirteen. Don’t talk like that. Peter: Now kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off. Lois: Peter, what did you promise me last night? Peter: I wouldn’t drink at the stag party. Lois: And what did you do? Peter: Drank at the stag- oh oh oh oh I almost walked right into that one, heh. Oh God, feels like there’s accountants cranking add machines in my head. Zoom to inside Peter’s head. Two accountants are doing just that. Paul: Dick, ya ever wonder what’s outside those walls? Dick: Say now, that’s dangerous thinking Paul. You best stick to your work. Paul: Ha- Okay. Lois: Ya see Peter, a hangover is nature’s way of telling you I was right. I need... [falls off her chair] Meg: Mom, are you all right. Lois: My goodness, this chair leg was loose. Isn’t that silly? I could have broken my neck. Stewie: Damn. Peter: Look, Honey, I took a cab home, I slept on the table so I wouldn’t wake you up. Nothing bad happened. Lois: Well, I- I guess you’re right. Peter: Apology accepted. All right, I’m going to work. Somebody’s got to put food on this table. At the Happy- Go- Lucky Toys, Inc. Mr. Weed: How you coming Johnson? Johnson: Well Mr. Weed, I’ve been working on the new GI Jew line and as you can see they look great. [demonstrates the doll] GI Jew: You call these bagels? Johnson: Whoa! I’m glad he’s on our side. Meanwhile, Peter is asleep on his post at the conveyor belt. Mr. Weed: Peter! Are you asleeping on the job? Peter: Uh, uh no there’s a bug in my eye and I’m trying to suffocate him. Mr. Weed: Peter, I like you, but I need you to be more than just eye candy around here. It’s you job to watch for any toys that could be hazardous to children. Now look sharp. Peter: Dah, yes sir! He falls right back to sleep. Two teddy bears and a wind up car go by. They are followed by a knife, a three plug outlet, a can of gasoline, shaving razors, a porcupine, and a toaster with a fork sticking out of it with it’s plug in a puddle of water. Dramatic music plays. [End of act one 6:07] The Quahog 5 News- Diane: And now, back to Action News Five. Our top story tonight- when toys attack. Quite a situation we’ve got here Tom. Tom: Quite a situation we’ve got here Tom indeed Diane. It seems the Happy Go Lucky toy company of Quahog, Rhode Island, has released several highly unsafe toy products into the retail market. Clips are shown of children with the unsafe toys. One boy is up to bat- Boy: Come on Timmy, throw the Silly Ball. An ax is thrown which gets embedded into the bat. Another boys shakes open a Pound Poochie box- Other boy: Oh boy, a Pound Poochie. A canister of pills falls out of the bottom. A little girl holds a doll- Girl: Come on Baby Heimlich, spit it out. The dolls sprays fire out of it’s mouth. Mr. Weed clicks off the TV set in his office. Mr. Weed: Peter I am appalled! Your negligence has damaged this company’s reputation. You’re fired! Peter: Oh geese for how long? That evening at dinner- Meg: Oh my God, you got fired? Chris: Way to go Dad, fight the machine! Stewie: How do you know about the machine? Peter: Don’t worry kids. Your father’s still gonna put food on this table, just not as much, so it might get a little competitive. Meg: Who cares about food? Now we’ll never be able to afford my lip injections! Brain: Hey uh Peter, can we put her out in the yard for awhile. Lois: Okay, who’s hungry? Peter: Oh geese, how the hell am I gonna break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she’s gonna blame me! Peter’s conscience devil appears to him. Devil: Lie to her! It’s okay to lie to women. They’re not people like us. Peter: Uh, I don’t know. Hey where’s the other guy? He’s stuck in traffic. Angel: Come on ya bastard, I’m late for work. [Spills coffee on himself] Oh, oh this is perfect. Peter: Look, I don’t want your mom to worry. All right? When she worries she says stuff like I told you so and stop doing that I’m asleep. So I’m just going to tell her a little lie, okay. Now, not a word to your mom about me getting canned. Lois: What’s that Peter? Peter: Uh, uh, nothing, uh- ohhh, the lost my job smells great. Lois: What? Peter: Uh, Meg honey, could you pass the fired my ass for negligence? Lois: Peter, are you feeling okay? Peter: Heh, I feel great. I haven’t got a job in the world. Lois: All right, then let’s eat. Now I know you all hate eggplant, but... [a gun zaps across the room] Uh, what on earth was that? Stewie: What are you two staring at? It’s tuna fish, and nothing else. The guns sinks back into Stewie’s sandwich. The next day Brain is sitting outside the house. He sees Peter walking over to him looking depressed. Brian: Hey, how’s you job search going? Peter: Eh, it sucks Brian. I already been through two jobs this week. I got fired off of that commercial. At the commercial, Peter is dressed like a giant bird holding a bowl of cereal. Director: Try it again. Peter: I’m cocka for Coo Coo Puffs. Director: No, damnit, take twenty-six. Back at home- Peter: And then I had that job as the sneeze guard at the salad bar at that restaurant. At the restaurant, Peter is dressed like a security guard. Woman: Ah, ah, ah... Peter: Take it outside lady! [pulls a gun on her] Back at home- Peter: Then I thought I could win some money in that talent show. At the talent show- Announcer: And the grand prize goes to The Bontrap Family Singers. Peter: [dressed in Polka garb, holding a tuba] Oh, that is bull [cut off by applause]. Back at home- Brian: Peter, I- I know it’s a dangerous prescience but you, you uh might just want to tell Lois the truth. Peter: What? That I can’t provide for my family, that, that she’s always right. That I really didn’t stand up to that tank in Tienimem Square. Peter and a protester stand in front of a tank. Peter: Uh, screw this, I just came over to buy some fireworks. Back at home- Brian: Peter, you just can’t keep lying to her about loosing your job. Sooner or later she’s gonna find out where you’re really going every day. Peter: Oh yeah. Lois watches a game show on TV and Peter stands in a corner with a lampshade on his head. Peter: Heh, you’re right. Okay, I’ll tell her tonight. That night, Stewie sneaks into the kitchen. He propels himself to the cabinet where his mother has hid the device. Stewie: Victory is mine! [gun in hand] The rope snaps Stewie: Ahhh! Lois walks in and turns on the light. Peter follows her. Lois: Peter, I’ll need the checkbook in the morning. I’m going to Stop & Shop for some sweet corn. Peter: What? You’re spending money on food again? Lois we just had dinner. Lois: Well, you know I enjoyed it so much, I thought we’d eat again tomorrow. Since when are you so concerned about our food budget? Peter: Well, I, uh, Lois, this is really hard for me to say, but uh... Lois: What is it Peter? Peter: Uh, um, You’re getting kind of fat. Lois: What? Peter: Ya just- it’s not healthy. [Lauhgs] Lois: Peter, I do my Jane Fonda work out tape three times a week. When was the last time you saw your toes? Peter: Gee, man, I thought you people were suppose to be jolly. Lois: Peter, what the hell’s the matter with you? Honey, you know if there’s something wrong you can tell me. Peter’s conscience angel appears to him. Angel: Hey sorry man am I late? What I miss? Peter: Hey thank God you’re here. What do I do? Peter’s conscience’s conscience devil appears to him. Devil: Tell him to keep lying, he’s in too deep. Peter: Uh, I don’t know. Hey where’s the other guy? Angel: Uh- this is unbelievable! Peter: Huh, Lois, I promise ya, everything’s fine. Ya got nothing to worry about. Stewie: Well, well mother, we meet again. [pointing the device at Lois] Lois: Stewie, I thought I tucked you in an hour ago. Stewie: Not tightly enough it would seem. And now, you contemptible harpy, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny. Lois: Oh, you can play with your toys tomorrow honey. Right now it’s bed time. She carries him off without the device. Stewie: Oh- blast you and your estrogenical treachery. Peter: Huh, sweet dreams kiddo. Stewie: You have the power to end this. Brain walks in with the newspaper. Brian: Hey, how’d she take it? Peter: I told her she was fat. Brian: [hitting him with the paper] No, no. Peter: Look, I hate lying to Lois, it- it’s the best way to keep her from knowing the truth. Brian: Peter, you don’t have a choice. Your unemployment’s gonna dry up soon and she’ll probably sense something’s a miss when they reposes your house. Ya, you really ought to think of your family’s welfare. Peter: Geese, Brain that’s a great idea! At the Welfare Offices- Man: Okay, do you have any disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies? Peter: Uhhh- oh oh I didn’t have gas for the first time until I was thirty. Cut to a scene of a young Peter, with long hair, sitting in a bean bag chair. While reading the newspaper he hears a funny noise. Peter: What the hell was that? Back at home in the present, Peter presents Chris, Meg, and Brain the welfare check. Peter: Guys, our money problems are over, we’re officially on welfare. Come on kids, help me scatter car parts on the front lawn. Brian: Uh, how much are we getting? Peter: Uh, let’s see- a hundred and fifty dollars a week. Meg: Wait, that’s a comma, not a decimal. They look at the check. Peter: Whoops! Lois is in the kitchen talking on the phone. Lois: No, no, I haven’t seen Peter all afternoon. I was giving a piano lesson. [Some arrows fly at her chair] Stewie, why don’t you play in the other room? Stewie: Why don’t you burn in hell? Lois: Well!- No desert for you young man. Peter and Brain are out in the neighborhood. Brain is relieving himself like a human against the fire hydrant. Peter: Boy, who would of thought that getting drunk at a stag party would get me a hundred and fifty thousand bucks a week from the government? Brian: This is why I don’t vote. Peter: Huh, maybe somebody down there was drinking to, huh. Cut to a scene at a presidential press meeting. Reporter: Mr. President, why do you think the American public has continued to support you throughout these impeachment proceedings? Bill Clinton: [with a martini in his hand] Uh, probably cause you’re so fat. [laughs and does motions with his hands] Brian: Peter, you, you might want to call the welfare commission, that- that check is obviously an oversight. Peter: Well, not necessarily, I mean maybe I’m like their one-millionth customer. Brian: What, you’re going to spend a hundred and fifty grand a week? Peter: Um, yeah. Brian: On what? In the yard, Peter presents Lois with a surprise. Lois: Oh my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David. Peter: No, no, no- I just rented it. They’re gonna be ticked though, the penis broke off while I was loading it into the car. He tosses it away where it crashes though Mr. Weed’s window. Mr. Weed: I shall call you Edwardo! Lois: Peter, how can we afford this? Chris: You’re not going to believe it Mom. Dad’s getting a... Peter: Uh, a big raise. Lois: Peter that’s wonderful. Chris: But Dad, I thought... Peter: The kind of a big raise that allow me to give my kids a big allowance just for keeping their big mouths shut. Come on you guys, I’m gonna buy us the most expensive meal we ever had. At a fast food restaurant drive through, Peter orders the family dinner. The menu: Cheeseburger, Chicken Nuggets, French Fries, Fish Sandwich, Turkey Burger, Chicken Burger, Apple Pie, 1/2 Pound Hamburger, Quesadillas, Chicken Fajitas, Sundaes, Milkshakes. Peter: Yeah, I like six-thousand chicken fajitas [pronouncing the j] please. Speaker: I beg your pardon. Peter: Uh, six-thousand chicken fajitas [still pronouncing the j] . Brian: And a sausage [pronouncing it sosage] McBiscuit please. In the living room- Lois: Peter what’s the big surprise? Peter: Ya know how I always said that you should be treated like a queen. Well, I got you your own jester. Peter claps his hands and the kitchen door opens. It’s Jerry Seinfeld dressed as a jester. Jerry Seinfeld: Hey guys, good to be here in New England. And what’s the deal with “New England” anyway. It’s over two-hundred years old. Last time I checked, that’s not that new. At the Quahog Isntitute of Cosmetic Surgery. Thier motto: “Because You’re No Prize.” Peter: Huh, this is great, I can finally afford to give my little girl the lips she’s always dreamed of. Meg: [walking out of the office with large lips] Thank you Daddy. She kisses Peter and leaves a big lipstick mark on his face. Lois: I don’t know Peter. Lips are one thing, but did you have to buy breast implants for Chris? Peter: Yah- it makes him happy. Chris: [playing with the pre-surgical implants] Hey, these are cool. A moat has now been dug out around the Griffith house. Lois is doing some gardening. Mail Lady: When did you guys get a pool? Lois: Oh- it’s a moat. I know it’s silly, but my husband thinks our family needs extra protection now that we’re, well we’re rich. Mail Lady: Does it work? Lois: Well, it does keep the Black Knight at bay. The Black Knight’s house guffs at bay. Mail Lady: Well, congratulations on all your success. Here’s your welfare check. The envelope reads: Peter Griffin, 72 Spooner ST., Quahog, RI, 02904. The return adress reads: Welfare Office, with the rest of it illegiable. Lois: What the? Peter swing by in a boat with Chris and Meg water skiing. Peter: Hiya Honey! [ Lois gives him a dirty look] What? Inside, with many new luxuries, Peter tries to explain his actions. Peter: Lois, I know what I did was wrong, but I only did it for you and the kids. Except for the jukebox in the bathroom. That was a gift for Peter. Lois: Yeah, from the American taxpayers. I am so mad I can’t see straight. Peter: Oh, no problem, we got the money to get that fixed, with enough left over for us to buy our way out of any trouble our kids might get into. Just like the Kennedys. Lois: Ya, you know I- I feel like I don’t even know you any more Peter. The man I married would never think he could fix a problem just by spending money. [she walks away] Peter: Boy, she’s pretty pissed huh? Brian: Yeah, who would of thought welfare fraud would be one of her buttons? Peter: What’s the point of having a jukebox in the john if your wife’s mad at ya? Brian: Peter, ya may have to return that money to the tax payers. Peter: Yeah, but I got to make sure Lois knows I’m doing it. I- I need an event with thousands of people. Something that everybody cares about. [thinks] We might have to leave Rhode Island for this one. Cut to an exterior shot of a football stadium. John Madden: The air is electric here at Superbowl XXXIII tonight. Pat, I think it’s safe to say that all these fans came out here to watch a game of FOOTBALL. Pat Summeral: Uh John, we’re in commercial. John Madden: Yeah, I know, I’m just making conversation. Come on- FOOTBALL! Peter and Brian are flying overhead in a blimp, with a sign that says “Forgive me Lois” on the side. Brian: Amazing, you can barely drive a car and yet you are allowed to fly a blimp. Peter: Yeah America’s great, isn’t it? Cept for the south. Oh boy, I hope Lois is watching. okay taxpayers- here ya go! [tosses money out] Pat Summeral: Looks like we’re getting some rain here tonight John. John Madden: Yeah. Hey wait a second. This is no ordinary rain. It’s some kind of crazy money rain. Pat Summeral: I’m being told that it’s a man and his dog throwing cash out of a blimp. Peter: Oh man I hope this works. Otherwise I’m gonna have to stop dropping these. [spiked balls that have “forgive me Lois” written on them”] The crowd pours onto the field to retrieve the money. A cheerleader is tossed up, falls and gets trampled. A guy with rainbow hair and a peace sign around his neck and another guy with blue and red painted on him start hitting each other with their “John 3:16” signs. John Madden: The crowd is storming the field. This is pandemonium. Have you every seen anything like this Pat?........Pat? Pat Summeral: Just once John, the 1975 Cotton Bowl. This is the old trying to make amends for spending a hundred and fifty thousand dollars a week in misappropriated welfare funds play. John Madden: I don’t care what it is. That guy’s ruining a perfectly good game of FOOTBALL! [into head set] Madden to Fox security. The guards are ready wearing shirts that read ‘Just One Fox”. Guard: Go ahead. John Madden: Take him down! Guard: Yes sir. Grabs a gun from the rack (sign: just one gun) and begins shooting at the blimp. [End of act two 16:21] Peter and Brain are in jail. Brian: Uh, how was your shower? Peter: Oh, I tell ya Brian, all the rumors about drooping the soap are true. Brian: Really? Peter: Oh yeah, you can’t hold onto that thing to save your life. Oh, it was slipping all over the place. Guys were laughing. Two inmates walk by. First inmate: Hey, there’s the guy who couldn’t hold onto the soap. Second inmate: Oh, that was classic. They both laugh. Peter: Oh boy, I really let Lois down this time. You think she’ll wait for me? Brian: Oh come on, if every woman dumped her husband just for crashing a blimp into the Superbowl, no one would be married. Peter: Yeah, you’re right. Okay- I got the top bunk. [he crashes on top of Brian] Back at home- Meg: Oh, my collagen is wearing off. Lois: Well honey, sagging lips are just nature’s way of telling you you shouldn’t have covered for your father’s lie. Chris: What does it mean when your armpits cry stinky tears? Lois: Oh, it means you’re becoming a man. But hopefully, not the kind who stays out all day and doesn’t call, like your father who shall remain nameless. Stewie: Hello mother. Lois: Well, hi there Sweety. Stewie: You know Mother, life is like a box of chocolates [he presents her with a box], you never know what you’re going to get, your life however is more like a box of active grenades! [the box has grenades in it] Now I offer you one last chance for deliverance- return my mind control device, or be destroyed. Lois: Oh, you just want your toy back. Okay, here ya go honey. Stewie: Yes, well, Victory is mine! [ Walks away with the device into the dining room. A crash sound is heard] Ahhhhhh! Damn you all! The phone rings. Lois: Hello? Oh my God! At the courthouse- Peter: Lois, oh man am I glad to see you. Lois: I have nothing to say to you Peter. Peter: Well, I gave the money back. Why are you still steamed? Lois: Peter, you lied to me. You betrayed my trust. Compared to that welfare fraud doesn’t even matter. Peter: Really? Let’s hope the judge feels that way. Judge: This court will come to order. Peter: Well, you know, I figured the sooner I cashed the check, the sooner they’d, uh, catch their mistake. Look, why we making a federal case out of this? Judge: Mr. Griffin, don’t you think you should have alerted the government of such a gross overpayment? Peter: Well, uh, I was gonna call, but, uh, then, my favorite episode of “Diff’rent Strokes” was on. You know the one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually by the guy who owns the bike shop. A clip is played. The molester is bending over and Arnold and Dudley look at him. Molester: All right, now I want you boys to srceam real loud at my ass. Peter: And everybody learns a valuable lesson. Judge: Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson? Peter: Oh Yeah, stay the hell away from that bike shop. [pause] Look, everybody. I feel real bad about what I did. I- I just, I dunno. I just sort of one chance I’d ever have to give my family the things they deserve. I guess I screwed it up. I cheated the government and worse of all I lied to my wife, and she deserves better. I’m sorry honey. Judge: Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I’m sentencing you to twenty- four months in prison! [hits the gavel] Lois: Oh no! Brain: Oh no! Chris: Oh no! Meg: Oh no! Kool Aid Man: [crashing through the side of the courthouse] Oh yeah! Everyone looks at Kool Aid man and he slowly backs away through the hole he made. Lois: Excuse me, your honor. Judge: Yes. Lois: Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times and he may even be downright, well, stupid, but I know he only accepted that money because he wanted to be a good husband and father, but what he needs to remember is that we love him and no matter what, I’ll always stand by him. Peter: Hah, I love you too honey. Judge: That was very moving Mrs. Griffin. Okay, you can go to jail with him. Lois: What?! Stewie: Twenty-four months in prison eh? Unacceptable. Intolerable as it may be, I’m completely dependent upon those wretched drones for sustenance. Yes, I’ll see how the iron constitution of American justice stands against, the device. Stewie points the mind control device to the judge. It makes noises while the judge sits their silently. Judge: Is that your boy? Peter: What?, Oh, uh, yeah, that’s Stewie. Judge: Yeah, I can’t separate a kid that young from his father. It’s- it’s unjudgemental. Uh hell, you’ve learned you lesson, right? Peter: Yeah. Judge: All right, you’re off the hook. Peter: Oh, wow, could you get me my job back? Judge: No! [Stewie uses his device again] Yes! Peter: All right! Back at home watching TV. Ed Mc Mahon: [laughs] That was a crazy one Dick. Dick Clark: It sure was Ed. In this next blooper from “Joanie Loves Chachi”, watch what happens when Scott Baio tries to say, “she sells sea shells down by the sea shore.” Joanie: What does you mom do for a living? Chachi: Uh, she sells sea shells down by the... A bear crashes through the wall and on top of him. Peter: Heh, that is kind of a tongue twister. Lois: Oh, its good to have you home Peter. Peter: Yah, Honey I knew everything would turn out okay. Meg: I sure am gonna miss being rich. Peter: Oh, don’t worry. I got a way to get money. Brian: Not another welfare scam? Peter: No, no, no- minority scholarship. [laughs] Peter puts on a hat and gives a thumb up. The camera freezes and the credits start to roll. Lois and Brain dismiss it. Stewie: Are you insane? Okay, I mean, uh uh uh- sexual harassment suit. [puts on a wig and rips his shirt, laughs again]. Lois and Brain dismiss it again. Stewie: Absolutely outrageous! Peter: Uh, uh, Okay- disability claim! Hits himself with a bat and falls on the floor, face first. Everyone just stares at him. [End of act three 21:23]